[Tiếng Anh] sửa lỗi cho đoạn văn ngắn

[duyanh_12345]

[TẶNG BẠN] TRỌN BỘ Bí kíp học tốt 08 môn
Chắc suất Đại học top - Giữ chỗ ngay!!

ĐĂNG BÀI NGAY để cùng trao đổi với các thành viên siêu nhiệt tình & dễ thương trên diễn đàn.

sửa lỗi giúp mình bài này với.

chủ đề là về sự giải trí.

Nowadays, entertainment is an important part that can't be missed in human's life. It appeared a very long time ago. Ancient people came up with the idea about how to entertain in spare time. Though thousands years, entertainment now is improved into various kinds with high qualities and truly becomes a real industry. You can easily find concert halls, exhibition centers, stadiums or museums in any countries in the world. You can also see artistic street everywhere, in every kind of performances. Especially, you can see the extraordinary Hollywood empire with its large number of actors, actresses, choreographys, conductors, composers, playwrights... So, in my opinion, entertainment in the future will more improve and beyond our imagination. In conclusion, we have to admit that entertainment makes our lives more interesting and happier, but as you know, it should be just a part in your life, not the whole life. Getting into it too much will make you forget reality.

 

[jaejoong_99]

em nghĩ sai cái chỗ came up with với improved into chửng biết sai chỗ nào nữa

 

[thuong0504]

sửa lỗi giúp mình bài này với.

chủ đề là về sự giải trí.

Nowadays, entertainment is an important part that can't be missed in human's life. It appeared a very long time ago. Ancient people came up with the idea about how to entertain in spare time. Though thousands years, entertainment now is improved into various kinds with high qualities and truly becomes a real industry. You can easily find concert halls, exhibition centers, stadiums or museums in any countries in the world. You can also see artistic street everywhere, in every kind of performances. Especially, you can see the extraordinary Hollywood empire with its large number of actors, actresses, choreographys, conductors, composers, playwrights... So, in my opinion, entertainment in the future will more improve and beyond our imagination. In conclusion, we have to admit that entertainment makes our lives more interesting and happier, but as you know, it should be just a part in your life, not the whole life. Getting into it too much will make you forget reality.

Nowadays, entertainment is an important part that can't be missed in human's life. It appeared a very long time ago. Ancient people came up with the idea about how to entertain in spare time. Though thousands years, entertainment now is improved into various kinds with high qualities and truly becomes a real industry. You can easily find concert halls, exhibition centers, stadiums or museums in any countries in the world. You can also see artistic street everywhere, in every kind of performances. Especially, you can see the extraordinary Hollywood empire with its large number of actors, actresses, choreographys, conductors, composers, playwrights... So, in my opinion, entertainment in the future will more improve and beyond our imagination. In conclusion, we have to admit that entertainment makes our lives more interesting and happier, but as you know, it should be just a part in your life, not the whole life. Getting into it too much will make you forget reality.
p/S: I THINK SO

 

[freakie_fuckie]

Nowadays, entertainment is an indepensable part in our daily life. It appeared a very long time ago. The ancient people came up with the idea about how to entertain in spare time. Through thousands years, entertainment now is classified(?) into various kinds with high qualities and truly becomes a real industry. You can easily find concert halls, exhibition venues, stadiums or museums in any countries in the world. You can also see artistic street (lexis) everywhere, in every kinds of performances. Especially, (conduct more research on the usage of "especially") you can see the extraordinary Hollywood empire with its large number of actors, actresses, choreographys, conductors, composers, playwrights... So, in my opinion, entertainment in the future will improve beyond our imagination (render the sentence less wordy). In conclusion, we have to admit that entertainment makes our lives more interesting and happier, but as you know, it should be just a part in your life, not the whole life. Getting into it too much will make you forget reality. (what do you mean?)


Your paragraph lacks an apparent outline, logical arguments and signposting language, which render it extremely difficult to follow. In the topic sentence, you advocate the importance of entertainment as a part of life. However, skimming through the rest of the essay, I can not find out any setences or arguments supportive or relevant to the topic setence. Likewise, your conclusion, which claims that "getting into entertainment too much can make you forget the reality", bears no relationship with the information you provide in the body part of the paragraph. With regard to such the lack of coherence and cohesion, I guess you should rewrite the whole paragraph. Further, I got confused with some of your expressions, such as "forget the reality, "hollywood empire, artistic streets", etc.

 

[freakie_fuckie]

Nowadays, entertainment is an indepensable part in our daily life. It appeared a very long time ago. The ancient people came up with the idea about how to entertain in spare time. Through thousands years, entertainment now is classified(?) into various kinds with high qualities and truly becomes a real industry. You can easily find concert halls, exhibition venues, stadiums or museums in any countries in the world. You can also see artistic street (lexis) everywhere, in every kinds of performances. Especially, (conduct more research on the usage of "especially") you can see the extraordinary Hollywood empire with its large number of actors, actresses, choreographys, conductors, composers, playwrights... So, in my opinion, entertainment in the future will improve beyond our imagination (render the sentence less wordy). In conclusion, we have to admit that entertainment makes our lives more interesting and happier, but as you know, it should be just a part in your life, not the whole life. Getting into it too much will make you forget reality. (what do you mean?)


Your paragraph lacks an apparent outline, logical arguments and signposting language, which render it extremely difficult to follow. In the topic sentence, you advocate the importance of entertainment as a part of life. However, skimming through the rest of the essay, I can not find out any setences or arguments supportive or relevant to the topic setence. Likewise, your conclusion, which claims that "getting into entertainment too much can make you forget the reality", bears no relationship with the information you provide in the body part of the paragraph. With regard to such the lack of coherence and cohesion, I guess you should rewrite the whole paragraph. Further, I got confused with some of your expressions, such as "forget the reality, "hollywood empire, artistic streets", etc.