English THCS Question: To succeed in business, one needs to know math. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Question: To succeed in business, one needs to know math. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is opined that math is an essential skill to gain remarkable accomplishments in business. Although I accept that mathematical skills have contributed to the success of businesspeople, I still hold a belief that they must possess a wide range of qualities/competencies in order to reach a successful career.
On the one hand, I think that those who are proficient in math would be successful in their business world is because it generates revenue and profit for people's careers. It’s regarded as a foundational skill for occupations such as Data Scientists. They help organizations to amass several browsers’ data from different sources, analyze a number of set coding and build a spending model of each customer. Therefore, they will make a prediction to find out their targeted market by making a comparison between the supply and demand ratio along with some other data and give it to their managers so as to decide what products should be supplied more to that area. As a result, it will bring higher product consumption as well as more income for their company.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned argument, I would contend that there remain different qualities for those who want to be successful business people. Some soft skills, such as leadership and teamwork skills, are important. For instance, whether you're the CEO of your company or an employee, you'll need to communicate with coworkers, clients, vendors, and business partners. As a result, you need to be able to speak clearly, courteously and be a good listener to them. That’s the reason why they need communication skills.
In conclusion, I partly agree that math has a pivotal role in people’s successful business, however, other vital elements such as communication or leadership skills are also the fundamental factors in establishing a prosperous career.
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It is opined that math is an essential skill to gain remarkable accomplishments in business. Although I accept (agree nghe sẽ hợp lý hơn) that mathematical skills have contributed to the success of businesspeople, I still hold a belief that they must possess a wide range of qualities/competencies in order to reach (achieve đúng hơn nhé) a successful career.
On the one hand, I think that those who are proficient in math would be successful in their business world is because it generates revenue and profit for people's careers.(Câu loằng ngoằng quá, ý cũng khá khó hiểu, tại sao math lại generate revenue và profit, chưa thấy cái connection ở đây, một câu topic sentence thì nên clear hơn nhé.)It’s regarded as a foundational skill for occupations such as Data Scientists. They help organizations to amass several browsers’ data from different sources, analyze a number of set coding and build a spending model of each customer. Therefore, they will (can) make a prediction to find out their targeted market by making a comparison between the supply and demand ratio along with some other data and give it to their managers so as to decide what products should be supplied more to that area. As a result, it will bring higher product consumption as well as more income for their company.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned argument, I would contend that there remain different qualities for those who want to be successful business people. Some soft skills, such as leadership and teamwork skills, are important. For instance whether you're the CEO of your company or an employee, you'll need to communicate with coworkers, clients, vendors, and business partners. (Với câu này ngay sau khi list ra leadership và teamwork thì phần ví dụ người đọc sẽ expect là nó liên quan đến hai thứ đó, không nên đưa một skill hoàn toàn mới vào, nó làm mất sự mạch lạc của đoạn.)As a result, you need to be able to speak clearly, courteously and be a good listener to them. That’s the reason why they need communication skills.
In conclusion, I partly agree that math has a pivotal role in people’s successful business, however, other vital elements such as communication or leadership skills are also the fundamental factors in establishing a prosperous career.

Theo đề bài thì nó không nói là chỉ cần biết mỗi math nên ý ở đoạn 2 khá là yếu. Thay vào đó nên nói về những career mà trong đó math không đóng vai trò gì quá nhiều như trong arts chẳng hạn. Như thế ý sẽ mạnh hơn. Còn ý như ở đoạn 2 kia thực sự chỉ áp dụng được khi đề bài là one only needs to know math. Thêm nữa là thay vì dùng những từ quá advanced mà sai thì nên ưu tiên những từ mình biết chắc về cách dùng.

Chúc bạn học tốt!
 
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