Nhận xét + chữa giúp mình bài luận TA

[naniliti]

[TẶNG BẠN] TRỌN BỘ Bí kíp học tốt 08 môn
Chắc suất Đại học top - Giữ chỗ ngay!!

ĐĂNG BÀI NGAY để cùng trao đổi với các thành viên siêu nhiệt tình & dễ thương trên diễn đàn.

Mình không phải dân chuyên Anh nên trình độ cùi lắm. Với lại mình hay có thói quen viết bài trên nghĩa Tiếng Việt mà không để ý ngữ pháp cho lắm, cứ viết thẳng một mạch tới cuối bài nên câu cú, dấu câu nhiều khi đọc lên khá buồn cười. Dạo này có đỡ cái tật này hơn nhưng có lẽ vẫn vậy. Vì cái lỗi này mà bài viết ở dưới cách đây một tuần mình bị cô bắt viết lại vì dài dòng mà lủng củng. Giờ mình viết lại nó lần 2 đây. Mọi người chữa bài giúp mình nhé:

Đề: Advantages and Disadvantages of studying abroad

--------
Nowadays, along with the development of the society, human beings require a higher level of education. That is the reson why many parents want their children to study abroad. In my opinion, studying oversea brings both advantages and disadvantages to students.

Firstly, It is obivious that studying abroad has many advantages. The first benefit is that students have more chance to improve their foreign languages. Because when living and studying in other countries, they can communicate with the native people and make friend with them. Consequently, their foreign language skill will be improved day by day. Addtionally, studying abroad, students can do with modern facility. Classroom are equiped many equipment, such as computers, air condition and so on. Moreover, they can also access to new cultures. They will have more new friends, relish more new foods, etc. Hence, they can improve their own knowledge. For example, if you study in Japan, you can access to more Japanese cultures: Kimono - Japanese traditonal clothes, sushi - Japanese cuisine or Cherry Blossoms - Japanese national flowers.

...CONTINUE...

Trên là đoạn viết về advantages của mình, còn disadvantages mình chưa viết được, cứ gạch đi gạch lại mãi. Mong mấy sư huynh sư tỉ box anh chỉ giáo lỗi sai, câu cú hay luận ý gì gì đó cho đoạn này nó mạch lạc, cụ thể với đầy đủ hơn. Có chi giúp mình đoạn 2 với . Mình mới có mấy ý này để viết về Disadvantages: Homesick, Culture shock, Language Barrier, expensive expense. Có chi mọi người giúp mình triển khai/ thêm/ bớt mấy ý trên nhé.
I thank all of you^^!

 

[long09455]

Ở bài này bạn có viết sai từ trong bài, ví dụ như :
obivious : phải sửa thành obvious
Addtionally: phải là Additionally

Cụ thể sẽ là :
Nowadays, along with the development of the society, human beings require a higher level of education. That is the reson why many parents want their children to study abroad. In my opinion, studying oversea brings both advantages and disadvantages to students.
Firstly, It is obvious that studying abroad has many advantages. The first benefit is that students have more chance to improve their foreign languages. Because when living and studying in other countries, they can communicate with the native people and make friend with them. Consequently, their foreign language skill will be improved day by day. Additionally, studying abroad, students can do with modern facility. Classroom are equiped many equipment, such as computers, air condition and so on. Moreover, they can also access to new cultures. They will have more new friends, relish more new foods, etc. Hence, they can improve their own knowledge. For example, if you study in Japan, you can access to more Japanese cultures: Kimono - Japanese traditonal clothes, sushi - Japanese cuisine or Cherry Blossoms - Japanese national flowers.

Còn về phần dấu câu mình nghĩ là ổn rồi, chúc bạn học tốt!!!

 

[freakie_fuckie]

Nowadays, Along with [1] the development of the society, human beings require a higher level of education[2]. This is the reason why many parents want their children to study abroad. In my opinion, studying overseas brings both advantages and disadvantages to students.

[1]: Improper usage of conjuction. According to the contextual information, the fact that people need more education is a result of the exponential development of the society. Therefore, "along with", which means "besides", "in addition to" or "in conjuction to" does not really make a good sense when being used in this context. Due to is a better alternative.

[2]: the phrase results in ambiguity which needs to be strictly avoided when communicating in English as higher level of education frequently refers to the learning stages occuring at colleges, universities or academies (Cao học).

Firstly, It is obvious that studying abroad has many advantages. The first benefit is that students have more chance to improve their foreign languages[3]. Because when living and studying in other countries, they can communicate with the (omit "the") native people and make friends with them. Consequently, their foreign omit "foreign)language skill will be improved day by day. Addtionally, when studying abroad, students can do with (?) modern facilities. Classroom are equiped with many equipment, such as computers, air condition and so on. [4] Moreover, they can also access to new cultures. They will have more new friends, relish more new foods, etc. Hence, they can improve their own knowledge. For example, if you study in Japan, you can access to more Japanese cultures: Kimono - Japanese traditonal clothes, sushi - Japanese cuisine or Cherry Blossoms - Japanese national flowers.

3. Incorrect wording. Better alternative: language proficiency.
4. This is not a persuasive argument. In fact, recently, classrooms equipped with electronic facilities such as air conditioners, computers and televisions are a common thing throughout the world. Therefore, there is no neeed for a student to pay thousands dollars to go abroad just to get access to these equipments.

 

[minhtuyb]

Đề: Advantages and Disadvantages of studying abroad

--------
Nowadays, along with the development of the society, it can be argued that (*) human beings require a higher level of education (a fact or opinion?). That is the reson why many parents want their children to study abroad. In my opinion, studying oversea brings both advantages and disadvantages to students.

Firstly, It is obivious that studying abroad has many advantages. The first benefit is that students have more chances to improve their foreign languages. Because when(while) living and studying in other countries, they can communicate with the native people and make friend with them (1) and make friends with native speakers. Consequently (2), their foreign language skill will be improved(3) improve day by day consequently . Addtionally, while studying abroad, students can do(4) (???) with modernfacilityies (5). Classroom are fully equiped many equipment, such as (6) with computers, air conditioners and so on. (Moreover, they can also access to new cultures. They will have more new friends, relish (good word :d) more new foods, etc. Hence, they can improve their own knowledge.) (Suggesting rewriting: Furthermore, Because overseas students are able to encounter and explore more new cultures by chatting with their international friends, relising foods from all over the world, they can enrich their own knowledge.) For example, if you study in Japan, you can access to more Japanese cultures: Kimono - Japanese traditonal clothes, sushi - Japanese cuisine or Cherry Blossoms - Japanese national flowers.

...CONTINUE...

In the following paragraphs I can see your willing to use adverbs to link between your ideas (IELTS style I guess ^^), but I suggest you should write more complex sentences (like the one I suggest above) to show your grammatical ability and notice some basical errors, in the sense that:

(*): Serious error, you CAN NOT show an opinion as a fact! You can use lots of phrases to show the assesser it IS an opinion.

(1): Just to make your sentence more clear.

(2): Grammatical error: at that point you can't end the previous sentence (why?).

(3): Use "improve" instead of "being improved".

(4): I'm not quite sure what you wanna say there .

(5): In this case "faculty" must be written as a plurar.

(6): I think it's better .

Anyway, well-done and keep practicing