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Vinhtrong2601

Học sinh gương mẫu
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Trường THCS Thị Trấn Đông Thành
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Chắc suất Đại học top - Giữ chỗ ngay!!

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Giúp em sửa lỗi bài viết ạ. Em đang cần gấp.
NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TOURISM
Travelling is something that helps us relax, explore the world, experience, try delicious specialities. But recently, tourism has caused significant consequences for the environment, society and culture.
The first thing I mention is that tourism has disfigured the beauty of a particular place. Nowadays, we can see a lot of garbage in some tourist places in the world. For example, many people have littered right in the tourist area even though there are many trash cans around, and when I read such news, I often say: "Why are they so unconscious?" Another example is that many people even draw graffiti on the Buddha statue in the temple. That not only shows their unconsciousness but also loses its beauty.
Second, the unconsciousness of tourists has made nature destroyed gradually and the habitat of animals affected. That is an alarming thing because more and more animals are at risk of extinction. People litter pollute the water environment, smoke and then unintentionally cause forest fires. If the garbage isn't treated well, it will create toxic gases such as carbon oxides, hydrocarbons, benzene, dioxins, etc., which cause effects on the environment, making people sick with respiratory diseases such as: causing difficulty in breathing, respiratory inflammation.
Third, tourism loses the cultural identity of places and communities. That shows through the fact that many locals have begun to follow the tourist's way of life. They dress, talk and behave like tourists, which can detract from the local customs and traditions. To meet the needs of visitors, many people have had to change their traditional lifestyle. For example, a traditional inn turned into a large, grand and fully equipped "western" style hotel.
Traffic congestion also cannot be ignored. Heavy traffic affects both locals and tourists. Locals can't do their jobs like they used to. They have to choose time slots to avoid the tourist crowds. What about tourists? Instead of enjoying the beauty of the city, they have to waste their time in the car. On the other hand, traffic congestion also causes pollution to the environment. The more cars there are, the more emissions are released.
One final downside to travelling is cultural differences. Usually, tourists rarely learn about the culture and society of the place they are going to. If guests do not know about the culture of other locations, it will be easy to misunderstand each other. That is not only due to our gestures but also to the way we dress. For example, you can wear shorts in Bali. However, if you travel to other islands in Indonesia, such attire may be offensive to the locals.
All the negatives of travel can cause a lot of damage to our Earth. Everyone when travelling must respect the following three things: learning about the culture where they are going, having a sense of protecting the environment and knowing how to protect constructions. It is all these things that will make our trip meaningful.
Em cảm ơn ạ!
 

Hazu No No Money

Học sinh chăm học
Thành viên
27 Tháng mười 2018
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THCS yên thường
Giúp em sửa lỗi bài viết ạ. Em đang cần gấp.
NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TOURISM
Travelling is something that helps us relax, explore the world, experience, try delicious specialities. But recently, tourism has caused significant consequences for the environment, society and culture.
The first thing I mention is that tourism has disfigured the beauty of a particular place. Nowadays, we can see a lot of garbage in some tourist places in the world. For example, many people have littered right in the tourist area even though there are many trash cans around, and when I read such news, I often say: "Why are they so unconscious?" Another example is that many people even draw graffiti on the Buddha statue in the temple. That not only shows their unconsciousness but also loses its beauty.
Second, the unconsciousness of tourists has made nature destroyed gradually and the habitat of animals affected. That is an alarming thing because more and more animals are at risk of extinction. People litter pollute the water environment, smoke and then unintentionally cause forest fires. If the garbage isn't treated well, it will create toxic gases such as carbon oxides, hydrocarbons, benzene, dioxins, etc., which cause effects on the environment, making people sick with respiratory diseases such as: causing difficulty in breathing, respiratory inflammation.
Third, tourism loses the cultural identity of places and communities. That shows through the fact that many locals have begun to follow the tourist's way of life. They dress, talk and behave like tourists, which can detract from the local customs and traditions. To meet the needs of visitors, many people have had to change their traditional lifestyle. For example, a traditional inn turned into a large, grand and fully equipped "western" style hotel.
Traffic congestion also cannot be ignored. Heavy traffic affects both locals and tourists. Locals can't do their jobs like they used to. They have to choose time slots to avoid the tourist crowds. What about tourists? Instead of enjoying the beauty of the city, they have to waste their time in the car. On the other hand, traffic congestion also causes pollution to the environment. The more cars there are, the more emissions are released.
One final downside to travelling is cultural differences. Usually, tourists rarely learn about the culture and society of the place they are going to. If guests do not know about the culture of other locations, it will be easy to misunderstand each other. That is not only due to our gestures but also to the way we dress. For example, you can wear shorts in Bali. However, if you travel to other islands in Indonesia, such attire may be offensive to the locals.
All the negatives of travel can cause a lot of damage to our Earth. Everyone when travelling must respect the following three things: learning about the culture where they are going, having a sense of protecting the environment and knowing how to protect constructions. It is all these things that will make our trip meaningful.
Em cảm ơn ạ!
NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TOURISM
Travelling is something that helps us relax( relaxing hoặc to relax), explore the world, experience, try delicious specialities. But recently, tourism has caused significant consequences for the environment, society and culture.
The first thing I mention is that tourism has disfigured the beauty of a particular place. Nowadays, we can see a lot of garbage in some tourist places (có thể thay là attraction nha ) in the world. For example, many people have littered right in the tourist area even though there are many trash cans around, and when I read such news, I often say: "Why are they so unconscious?" Another example is that many people even draw graffiti on the Buddha statue in the temple. That not only shows their unconsciousness but also loses its beauty.
Second, the unconsciousness of tourists has made nature (cấn,mình nghĩ là has destroyed nature )destroyed gradually and the habitat of animals affected (Tt,nên là affected the habitat of animal). That is an alarming thing (thing dùng không hợp) because more and more animals are at risk of extinction. People litter pollute(2 đt nguyên không đứng được cùng nhau)the water environment, smoke and then unintentionally cause forest fires. If the garbage isn't treated well, it will create toxic gases such as carbon oxides, hydrocarbons, benzene, dioxins, etc., which cause effects on the environment, making people sick with respiratory diseases such as: causing difficulty in breathing, respiratory inflammation.
Third, tourism loses the cultural identity of places and communities. That shows through the fact that many locals have begun to follow the tourist's way of life. They dress, talk and behave like tourists, which can detract from the local customs and traditions. To meet the needs of visitors, many people have had to change their traditional lifestyle. For example, a traditional inn turned into a large, grand and fully equipped "western" style hotel.
Traffic congestion also cannot be ignored. Heavy traffic affects both locals and tourists. Locals can't do their jobs like they used to. They have to choose time slots to avoid the tourist crowds. What about tourists? Instead of enjoying the beauty of the city, they have to waste their time in the car. On the other hand, traffic congestion also causes pollution to the environment. The more cars there are, the more emissions are released.
One final downside to travelling is cultural differences. Usually, tourists rarely learn about the culture and society of the place they are going to. If guests do not know about the culture of other locations, it will be easy to misunderstand each other. That is not only due to our gestures but also to the way we dress. For example, you can wear shorts in Bali. However, if you travel to other islands in Indonesia, such attire may be offensive to the locals.
All the negatives of travel can cause a lot of damage to our Earth. Everyone when travelling must respect the following three things: learning about the culture where they are going, having a sense of protecting the environment and knowing how to protect constructions. It is all these things that will make our trip meaningful.
 

S I M O

Cựu Phụ trách nhóm Anh
Thành viên
19 Tháng tư 2017
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Nam Định
Trái tim của Riky-Kun
Travelling is something that (Mấy từ chung chung từ something, good... người ta hạn chế dùng để cấu tạo câu) helps us relax, explore the world, experience, try delicious specialities. But recently, tourism has caused significant consequences for the environment, society and culture.

The first thing I want to mention is that tourism has disfigured the beauty of a particular place (Hãy dùng nhiều danh từ thay cho động từ ví dụ như sau) First, Tourism is the main culprit of the disfigurement of tourist attractions' beauty. As it turns out, the dense presence of garbage in tourist places is no longer the anticipation. For example, that many numerous people have littered right in the tourist area even though there are many trash cans around, and when I read such news, I often say: "Why are they so unconscious?" không dùng câu hỏi may come with doubts about their consciousness Another example is that many people even draw graffiti on the Buddha statue in the temple. That not only shows their unconsciousness but also loses its beauty. tối nghĩa (mình nghĩ hai câu cuối bạn viết thêm là không cần thiết, bạn có thể sửa lại cả ví dụ đầu tiên của bạn tập trung vào việc rác gây hậu quả như thế nào với vẻ đẹp của khu du lịch)

Second, the unconsciousness of tourists has resulted in the destruction of nature and the habitat of animals affected as well as the adverse effects on animals. That is an alarming thing because more and more animals are at risk of extinction . People litter cụm này bạn dùng với nghĩa chủ ngữ mà lại để dạng S+V? pollute the water environment, smoke smoke ở đây đi với phần nào? and then unintentionally cause forest fires. If the garbage isn't treated well, it will create toxic gases such as carbon oxides, hydrocarbons, benzene, dioxins, etc., which cause effects on the environment, making không hề tương xứng với vế trước people sick with respiratory diseases such as: causing difficulty in breathing, respiratory inflammation.
Vì câu chủ đề bạn nhắc hai phần mà nếu bạn triển khai ý như thế này nghe nói không được hay. Bạn triển khai hai ý riêng biệt thì phải có sự tương xứng về hình thức. Vậy nên mình sẽ thử triển khai hai ý thành một cục
As the matter of fact, the more the nature is damaged, the more animals extinction rate rises. sau đó bạn đưa ra một vài ví dụ và kết luận

Third, tourism loses the cultural identity of places and communities. That shows through the fact that many locals have begun to follow the tourist's way of life. They dress, talk and behave like tourists, which can detract from the local customs and traditions. To meet the needs of visitors, many people have had to change their traditional lifestyles. For example, a traditional inn turned into a large, grand and fully equipped "western" style hotel.
Traffic congestion also cannot be ignored. Heavy traffic affects both locals and tourists. Locals can't do their jobs like they used to. They have to choose time slots to avoid the tourist crowds. What about tourists? Instead of enjoying the beauty of the city, they have to waste their time in the car. On the other hand, traffic congestion also causes pollution to the environment. The more cars there are, the more emissions are released.
One final downside to travelling is cultural differences. Usually, tourists rarely learn about the culture and society of the place they are going to. If guests do not know about the culture of other locations, it will be easy to misunderstand each other. That is not only due to our gestures but also to the way we dress. For example, you can wear shorts in Bali. However, if you travel to other islands in Indonesia, such attire may be offensive to the locals.
All the negatives of travel can cause a lot of damage to our Earth. Everyone when travelling must respect the following three things: learning about the culture where they are going, having a sense of protecting the environment and knowing how to protect constructions. It is all these things that will make our trip meaningful.

Nhận xét:
- Đối với formal writing hạn chế dùng we, nên thống nhất ngôi trong cả bài
- Bạn đang không biết phân bố ý. Một bài writing như này chỉ cần 2 ý là đủ. Nhưng bạn triển khai hai ý đâu sơ sài rồi phần 3 viết dồn thành một cục, ý còn bị lặp lại nữa. Bạn có thể viết lại theo 2 ý sau 1. Destruction of nature and habitat loss
2. Loss of cultural identity of the place and community
Triển khai bằng việc Câu chủ đề - fact/giải thích - ví dụ - (kết luận)
- Phần kết luận chưa xét từ quan điểm cá nhân
- Bạn có thể tham khảo những câu mình viết để cấu tạo lại phần bạn dùng quá nhiều danh từ chứ h ngồi nghĩ hết cả bài thì hơi khó nên mình chỉ sửa hai đoạn
- Đỏ là chỉ lỗi, xanh là phần sửa lại
 
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